some kind of wonderful

On not apologizing.

2012-02-18T23:00:00.001-06:00

People think I'm an extrovert because I am "bubbly." I've been told this more than five times in the past two years. It catches me off guard every time. I used to believe, myself, that I was an extrovert, until I realized WHY I was so social & how it actually made me feel. You see, I have always been overly willing to discuss the details of my life. I am a natural over-sharer and it stems from my compulsive tendency to try to please people and feel accepted/approved of. I can't even tell you the number of times I have left a conversation wanting to kick my own butt for saying too much.

On a daily basis, I say most (if not all) of these things to myself:

"Gosh, Ashley, why do you talk so much? I wish we would just shut up!"
"They must think I'm an idiot."
"Nobody understands me. No one can relate."
"Seriously, Ashley, nobody cares about [insert any given topic here ... chances are, I've had a ridiculous conversation about it ;-)]"
"You really sound self-centered, Ash, you should quit while you're ahead."

The list could go on for days ... and I always end up feeling exposed. I hate feeling exposed. The truth is, I am a very private person, who, in her need to feel accepted, exposes herself. And I don't necessarily expose the real me, but rather, the me I feel comfortable exposing. That should be one in the same, but for me it isn't.

I do know that I come off as an extremely friendly person - and that is a true part of me. I am a friendly, kind person. I love making people feel comfortable around me, which is part of why I share stories and details about me with them. That's only a very small piece of a complex web that is Ashley, though. I am very hard to understand, and I get that. At one moment, I will feel one way about a subject. At another moment, I will have changed my mind. And don't be surprised if the next time the topic comes up, I have changed my opinion once more.

My husband sometimes jokes that he "can't figure me out" and that I am a "walking contradiction." It's true, I am. That's me.

So, for tonight, I'm not going to apologize for being obscure or indefinable. It's something to embrace.

Yep, it's been two months

2012-01-18T21:34:00.004-06:00

Since I last attempted a blog. Can't say I'm sorry about it, either, because I honestly forgot that this blog even existed. And, I guess since we're almost a month past Christmas, it's too late to blog about that. LOL. We did have a great Christmas, though. :P

Tyler is in his second month out of town for work. Not only is he out of town, but he works 7 days a week, 12 hours a day - AND, he's on night shift. Yeah, remember those days I was a single mama? They're back x2 (because back then, I only had one kiddo.) I feel incredibly blessed, though, that he found this job. God has His name written all over it.

I'm back to working full time and my body is beginning to feel the wear and tear of full-time work and motherhood without my husband here to help. But, on the bright side, I do get to have adult interaction, which is something I was missing when I was at home. I do plan on coming home again within the next couple of years, God-willing, but I am grateful for this season and the opportunity to make some big things happen for our family.

I probably won't update this blog too terribly often. I don't really have the time to dedicate to it, and honestly, I do better/am happier when I am not tied down (wow, that sounds terrible!) I found when I was trying to update constantly, I would get depressed about how "boring" my life was compared to other bloggers. I would probably do better with something like a Twitter account because I'm always seeing things I'd love to talk to people about, but if I don't do it immediately, it's gone from my memory. And, I don't have a smart phone to take pictures, so that'll have to wait. Maybe in October, when I can finally ditch my free phone, I'll upgrade.

Anyway, just letting everyone in blog land know that we're still here.

One month 'till Christmas!

2011-11-25T13:26:00.001-06:00

Happy (late) Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope it was a good one. We ate a lot of awesome food and spent some time with my aunts/uncles/cousins and had a great time.

Today, we've moved on to Christmas. We did a little Christmas shopping this morning, and then went to buy our Christmas tree. We are swearing off fake Christmas trees - they are a pain in the butt to assemble/disassemble, they don't have a nice scent, and there is something so fun about picking out a fresh tree of your own each year! It's a great tradition.

We wanted to cut our own tree down from one of the local tree farms, but the Fraser Firs we like don't grow here in Texas (they're an eastern thing) and all of the "Texas trees" are hideous. Bushy & hideous. So, we went with a pre-cut tree and it smells wonderful. Caden picked it out himself!

After we loaded the tree into the car, we stopped off at a local coffee shop & the kids/Tyler got ice cream cones and I got a frozen mocha cappucino.

Then, we headed home to decorate!

7:18. Houston: my house.

2011-11-07T19:43:00.003-06:00

I must admit that I could use a drink about now. A little somethin' to take the sting off of things.

This past weekend, Tyler and I made some decisions that will have major implications for our family. Mainly, that I will be returning to work next week.

(crickets)

I know, it's sad. This was so NOT what I wanted. But, part of being an adult is making decisions that aren't necessarily what you want (wah wah wah), but will lead to a greater good. For us, that greater good is total debt freedom & the purchase of a home. Oh, and maybe preventing biting each others heads off. Even the kids have been short-tempered.

I'm fortunate to have a job with funny, intelligent people. It makes going to work a lot easier to digest. Of course I'd prefer snuggle sessions with Noah and having the opportunity to go to Caden's turkey dinner at school next week (which I mistakenly promised I'd do prior to accepting my new position ... I'm a bad mom!) But, that will come. Working will not be permanent for me. It's a means to an end. Our goal is for me to be a permanent stay-at-home-mom/wife, but some concessions need to be made on the way.

I am happy to say, though, that we've managed to get the boys enrolled in a really great daycare. Our last preschool experience left a lot to be desired. This time, when I searched the Texas Department of Family Services website, there were no major issues. Hoorah! This time last year, there was a waiting list several months-long for Noah to even get in the door. This time, immediate availability! It couldn't have worked out better.

For the rest of the week, I will be taking Noah for a few hours each day to get acquainted with his new school, teachers, and friends. I may even escape to do a little back-to-work shopping. I need some work clothes/shoes/purses/accessories. Tyler and I BOTH have serious wardrobe issues. As in, we have no clothes. The few clothes we do have are so worn out & abused that we end up with nothing. Nothing decent, anyway.

Tyler leaves for a job two hours away on Sunday (eeeeek!) and I am bracing myself. I am NOT looking forward to it. Before I sound ungrateful, I should mention how thankful I am that ~~this opportunity presented itself to my husband.~~ Scratch that, that my husband went out and sought opportunities. He's been a go-getter and when he's been knocked down, he hasn't stayed down for long.

So, pray for us while we gear up for a lot of changes. I'm back to work, the boys are back to day care, Tyler is off to a out-of-town job, and the holidays are near.

He speaks

2011-11-02T12:44:00.002-05:00

Life is crazy. Really crazy. Half the time I don't know if I'm up or down, left or right, man or woman. Ha, just kidding about the last one. But seriously, life is so crazy right now that it's hard to stay grounded. I find myself looking for an escape. But, there is no escape. Life deals you frustrations and you have to learn to handle them.

I'm really good at learning to handle frustrations and then forgetting. Times get hard, I get temporarily focused, then I lose control again. As if I ever had any control. That's one of my biggest frustrations - realizing that I have no control. Never really did, even when I thought I did.

Since Tyler lost his job in September, we have been up and down, side to side, frontwards, backwards, and everything in between. Crazy doesn't even begin to describe this time in our lives. And yet, I know it could be so much worse. It could be better, too. But, it could be worse. It can always be worse.

God has been so faithful during this time. I don't acknowledge His faithfulness nearly as often as I should. I send myself into a spiral of depression and anxiety, spending my days worried about what will happen next. Not fully trusting in The One who knows every detail of my life, my husband's life, my children's lives. He knew the moment we'd be born, the moment we will die, and every. single. occurrence in between.

I pledged to my husband (who has been driven to the edge by my anxiety) that I am going to get out of the house more. I have been spending most of my time cooped up in our 1040 sq. ft. apartment with Noah in an attempt to save money. In the process, I have spent nearly every minute panicking about our financial situation, Tyler's schooling, his potential job opportunities, our future prospects, etc. etc. etc. It's enough to make you have a heart attack.

Yesterday, in an effort to keep my promise to my husband, I drove Noah to a nice park about 15 minutes from my house. As I was driving, I was praying for God to save me from myself. To intervene in my negative thoughts. To please, oh please, help me let go and trust in Him and my husband. This is a miracle only God can handle - I am a control freak to my core.

He didn't answer right away. Instead He waited. He waited a few hours. He waited until Noah was silently sleeping in the backseat after playing hard at the park. He waited until I was parked in the carpool lane at Caden's school. He waited until there was nothing to distract me from His message. I sat in my car, looking at the wind blowing and the birds flying, admiring how life goes on in the midst of chaos. Suddenly He spoke in an almost audible voice. "It will all be okay. Let Tyler take the lead."

Ordinarily, I'd be the type to question if this was really God speaking to me, or if it was my own mind playing tricks on me. But, I knew that I would never give myself such advice. Because, well, I don't really trust anyone. It had to be Him. And such simple advice (it usually is.) Huh, let Tyler take the lead. You mean, I am supposed to trust the man I married and pledged my whole life to to take control of our family? Loosen my grip on what we have left?

I figured the only way I'd follow through with God's advice to me was to acknowledge it by informing my husband that God wanted me to (gulp) relinquish control. To him. Tyler laughed when I told him. Mostly because it's what he has been telling me all along. I'm pretty sure my controlling tendencies are my single-mother days following me around. I honestly don't know that that part of me will ever completely go away.

I'm sure He intends many lessons to be learned in one simple command, "Let Tyler take the lead." Not only to relinquish control, but to actually trust my husband. To rely on him to provide, to trust in his abilities, to believe that he has our best in mind. I'm not proud that this is so hard for me.

This new command, though, has already opened my eyes to areas that need attention. It's only been one day! Caden is having a hard time focusing at school; something we are working with his teacher to correct. Noah is expressing himself with tantrums (hello, full-blown terrible twos!) By spreading myself too thin, things may have gotten more out of control than they might have otherwise.

My first goal for myself is to read at least ONE of the many books I've bought over the past couple of years, in one week. I'm not a book reader, I'm a book buyer. I buy with great intentions and never get around to reading them. The books collecting dust on my bookshelf include ...

- "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldham
- "More than Enough" by Dave Ramsey
- "Raising a Modern Day Knight" by Robert Lewis (actually intended for dads)
- "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian
- "Grace Based Parenting" by Dr. Tim Kimmel

And, since I've bored you enough, here are a few pictures from the past few weeks ..

The time I met Dave Ramsey

2011-10-11T12:01:00.001-05:00

Only those of you who know me 1/2 well will understand just how exciting this is for me! This is the uber nerd coming out in me. I can't help it. And I don't want to. :-)

I MET DAVE RAMSEY on Friday night! My wonderful husband agreed to drive an hour out of our way to take me to meet him. I've been looking forward to this since April, so I've had plenty of time to get excited.

I brought my Total Money Makeover book for him to sign, since I really didn't see a need in buying his new book, EntreLeadership. It's for people who own small businesses and those who have jobs that involve them working with other people. I work with Noah. And Caden.

BUT, this book signing was for his EntreLeadership book (read: he was only signing EntreLeadership books), so I had to shell out $25 to buy the book. That's okay, I was willing to do what it took to meet the guy who has re-shaped my whole view of money over the past year and a half.

I should go back a minute and introduce you to the "Dave car." This is a replica (different paint job, of course) of the car he drove while selling his first book out of his trunk. They had it parked outside of the book store!

So after buying the book, I hopped in line and waited. The line moved pretty quickly - I waited for maybe 20-25 minutes. Tyler was kind enough to keep the boys entertained, so that Noah's whining wouldn't take away from my experience.

As I made my way toward him, I became a certified member of the paparazzi.

Finally, it was my turn. I asked him how he was, and he answered with his ever-famous "better than I deserve." :-) He was very nice and personable. So glad I got a chance to meet him. He has encouraged me and Tyler to do better with what we have - and it has made a world of difference, especially in trying times.

Oh, did I forget to show you the autograph?! Silly me.

The next day, I attended his live Total Money Makeover event. He is a master communicator - even my husband enjoys listening to him. He is funny, effective, and to the point. I love it. Had a wonderful weekend learning about being a good steward of our money. I can't wait to be in the position to help others with our "excess."

A to Z of Me

2011-10-04T22:36:00.001-05:00

Hm, well, since I have nothing else to post about right now, I'll do this nifty little survey I found on A Sorta Fairytale. Kinda fun! :-)

A. Age: 25
B. Bed size: Queen - would love to upgrade to a King eventually, but I'm in love with our bedroom suit.
C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the bathrooms. Have you ever lived with three guys?
D. Dogs: Nope.
E. Essential start to your day: I'm usually whacked in the face by Noah's feet after he climbs into bed with us to wake us up.
F. Favorite color: Emerald or Kelly green
G. Gold or Silver: Platinum
H. Height: 5'5"
I. Instruments you play: Sadly, none. But I'd love to learn the piano.
J. Job title: Contract Paralegal
K. Kids: 2 dashing boys, Caden & Noah.
L. Live: Texas
M. Mother’s name: Kim
N. Nicknames: Ash
O. Overnight hospital stays: Only times I've ever spent the night in the hospital was when I gave birth.
P. Pet peeves: Is it bad that I have so many I can't even think of them? I really can't stand when people smack their lips. Nasty habit.
Q. Quote from a movie: "You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!" - Wedding Crashers
R. Right or left handed: Right handed.
S. Siblings: Two younger half-brothers, Bryant (19) and Jacob (7). One younger half-sister, Kylie (4.)
T. Time you wake up. Usually between 6 and 7. Depends on how long I can tolerate Noah's feet in my face.
U. Underwear: Yes, I wear them.
V. Vegetable you hate: Spinach
W. What makes you run late: Usually something to do with my kids.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Dental. Ultrasound? Is that an X-Ray?
Y. Yummy food that you make: Spaghetti & Chocolate Chip Cookies
Z. Zoo animal: Baby lions.

Well, that didn't last long

2011-10-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

I already don't like the blog name. It's not unusual for me to be so indecisive. I should probably stick with something I can't change ... like, my own name? On my first blog I used my name and never had an issue with it (other than worrying about potential creepers.)

Maybe if I change it to my real name and leave out my location and change the names of the innocent, I'll have a better shot at safety & not drive y'all crazy with blog name changes..

Happy girls are the prettiest

2011-10-01T22:24:00.004-05:00

I'm changing the blog's name. I was originally going to do a poll on this, but why bother? I like what I like and it's my blog. ;-) So, with that said, the new blog name is .....

She Walks Happy.

Wait, what? She walks happy? What does that even mean?

I don't know what it means, but it suits me. My husband always describes me as "happy" and I think a lot of other people see me that way. I refer to upbeat music as "happy music" and bright, cheerful colors as "happy colors." I would say that "happy" is my natural state of being, even with my ongoing battle with major depression.

Where did I get "she walks happy?" Yesterday, I was walking into my office building when I ran into one of my "co-workers" (I use that term very loosely since I don't even work in the office ... I work from home and have never actually worked in the same room as her. And I've only met her 3 times.)

As I was approaching the office building, the co-worker (who, again, has seen me 3x in her life) said, "I knew it was you from a distance. I could tell by the way you walk ... you have a certain walk." Now, I'm not dumb enough to think that this was a compliment. I'd bet that it was the opposite. Maybe she meant nothing by it, but whatever. Apparently, my walk sets me apart from the rest.

I later asked Ty what he thought of my walk. I was sure that I should be offended by this lady's remark. He said, "I love your walk. You bounce. It's a happy walk." (okay, these are my words, but this is the gist of what he meant. :-) So, I walk happy!

I'm not going to even try to define what this blog is or what it will become, because every time I try to define myself or an extension of myself, I end up feeling obligated to stick to a certain format or subject. I don't do well with restrictions, so this blog is likely to be disjointed and random. Just like me!

I will eventually change the domain, too, but for now I'm going to leave it at www.twosleeplessknights.blogspot.com. There has been an issue with trying to order the new domain name and now I have to call Google Apps to resolve it.

Catching up ...

2011-09-30T23:20:00.002-05:00

So, what shows are everyone loving so far this fall? I'll admit that I had a huge list of shows that I wanted to watch, but so far I haven't caught any of them. Several years ago I was a dedicated Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice fan, but I haven't watched either since 2007... I wish I could catch up, but that would take forever!

There are a few shows that T and I watch on a regular basis.

1.) Kitchen Nightmares - We LOVE this show. We love all of the Gordon Ramsey shows. Hell's Kitchen is another favorite but it ended last week (and btw, majorly disappointed with that guy who won. Maybe it's because he grated my last nerve the entire season?) Back to Kitchen Nightmares ... if you haven't seen it, Chef Ramsey visits family-owned restaurants around the country (and they are all in hellish conditions/under crap management) and it is really frustrating/entertaining. I just can't understand how someone can knowingly serve rotten/spoiled food! This show really makes me question the standards of my local restaurants. No wonder my mom likes to eat at home.

2.) Teen Mom. I know, I know. Total trash. I love it, though. Probably because I can totally relate to all of these girls. Each in a different way, but it is HARD being a single, teen mom. If you haven't done it, don't even think about judging them.

Amber. I think she is trying. She has a long way to go, but I have seen such growth since she and Gary have been apart. They definitely bring out the worst in each other. If I were with him, I would lose my mind, too.
Maci. I was actually frustrated with her this season. I applaud her for wanting to keep things copacetic with Ryan for Bentley's sake (something that is much harder than it seems.) But, she has no responsibilities other than going to school and taking care of Bentley. She doesn't work. She has her own house. A car. Money in the bank (I assume, since she is always eating out.) Get your act together, girl. Millions of single moms go to school in tougher conditions!
Catelynn. I love her and Tyler. So mature. This season, though, I saw her raw emotions really coming out. Her insecurities hit so close to home for me. Things that I have struggled with my entire life. It was heartbreaking watching her desperately try to keep her relationship strong with Tyler, when it was obvious he was letting go. I wonder if they'll make it?
Farrah. I have a hate/somewhat hate relationship with her. I think she is completely rude and disrespectful of her parents which I can't stand. But towards the end of the season, as she talked about her depression and not knowing who she is, I came to sympathize. It's hard (impossible) to go from average 16-year-old to single mom with no in-between time. No amount of help can fix that. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and I'm seven years into the process.

3.) The Office. I usually love this show, but I've been disappointed this season. I'm 100% sure that it's because Steve Carell is gone. He made that show. I give them 2 seasons (if they're lucky.)

4.) Pan Am. So far, I love it! There's only been one episode, but this could be my next Grey's Anatomy. I usually find one show every few years that I fall in love with. First it was Friends, then it was Grey's ... I'm due for another!

A clean slate

2011-09-30T22:16:00.003-05:00

You may notice that all of my previous blog entries are gone. I'm going through a blogging crisis and need a nice, clean drawing board. I saved all of my blog entries to another private blog, but here I want to start fresh.

What's been going on?

I have so been looking forward to having a few hours to myself two days a week and the mother's day out program at our church is the perfect program to allow me those much needed few hours of sanity. Unfortunately, over the past two weeks of Noah attending preschool, he has already bit (or is it bitten? oh, who cares) two kids. The first he got "written up" for, but the 2nd they didn't see. He bit a little girl during nap time and she ran to tell the teachers that he bit her. It was obvious that it was him, so I took it upon myself to pull him out. Had they seen him do it, he would have been written up again and put on a 30-day "probation." Toddler probation! And, I would have had to pay for that 30 days even though he wouldn't be attending. I figure he must need a little more time before starting school so I'll be working with him on things at home and hope for the best next year.

Tomorrow is our huge neighborhood-wide yard sale. All week I've been planning to organize myself with stickers and signs and spreadsheets, but none of it came to fruition. I'm winging it. I honestly HATE selling things - not because I don't want to let it go, but because it takes a lot of work for not a lot of $$. It's better than trashing it and getting nothing, though, so I'll suck it up. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised?

Can I be honest? I am SO excited that Caden's soccer season is 4 weeks away from over. For the past several weeks, I have felt like a crazy person driving around with my head cut off. Our neighborhood does not provide school buses, so every morning I have to take C to school and every afternoon I have to pick him up. ~~Twice a week I was taking Noah to preschool & picking him up~~. Then on Wednesdays we have Bible study/AWANA Club. Thursday is soccer practice. Saturday is soccer game. Sunday is church. Oh, and Friday is my day to drive to work to turn work in and get more work for the following week. It will be nice to get our Thursday nights & Saturdays back. Maybe the weather will start cooling down one of these days and we can go to the zoo and not die of heat exhaustion.

Ok, to round off the post, I'll throw some pictures in so that I don't feel completely bad about boring you. :-)

Some stuff I want to do with the boys for Halloween ...

I wonder if I can manage to recreate this Fred costume? I'll probably end up paying too much for a costume on Etsy. Have you ever searched Etsy? It's like crack. Crafty crack.

This I think I can do! Cute, simple, and cheap. Just my style!

Isn't this cute?! I don't know how to do it with our black door, though.

If you've hopped on the Pinterest bandwagon, visit mine! Pinterest.